Hedge Fund Manager Discovers Meditation, Still Obsessed with Beating the Market

Following what he describes as a "transformative spiritual journey" at a luxury retreat in Bali, hedge fund manager Bradley Wellington has returned to Wall Street with a newfound sense of inner peace that has done absolutely nothing to diminish his cutthroat approach to finance.

"Meditation has completely changed my life," explained Wellington, as he aggressively shorted a struggling retail company while sipping from a mug that read 'Namaste, Bitches.' "I used to be stressed all the time about beating the market. Now I'm completely at peace with the fact that I'm going to destroy my competitors through the power of mindful investing."

Wellington, whose fund manages over $10 billion in assets, now starts each morning with a 20-minute meditation session during which he visualizes both universal compassion and the total annihilation of rival funds.

"The ancient masters teach us that attachment is the root of suffering," Wellington explained, while checking his portfolio performance for the fifth time in an hour. "That's why I've learned to detach myself from the outcome and focus on the process—the process of absolutely crushing my returns benchmark and making my competitors look like amateurs."

Colleagues have noted changes in Wellington's management style since his return from Bali. He now ends team meetings with a mindfulness exercise and has installed a zen garden in his office, which he methodically rakes while delivering brutal performance reviews.

"He told me my trading strategy lacked both conviction and an understanding of the interconnectedness of all things," said junior analyst Jessica Chen. "Then he made me do breathing exercises while he explained why my bonus was being cut."

Wellington has also embraced the wellness industry as an investment opportunity, recently taking a significant position in a startup that sells subscription-based mindfulness services to stressed executives.

"The wellness market is projected to reach $7 trillion globally by 2025," he noted, eyes gleaming with both spiritual awareness and the prospect of massive returns. "The universe is abundant, and I intend to get my piece of it."

Despite his spiritual awakening, Wellington's fund has maintained its aggressive 30% annual return target, which he now refers to as "an aspirational intention set with loving non-attachment to outcomes."

"In meditation, we learn that the present moment is all we have," Wellington reflected, as he checked his Bloomberg terminal for the latest market movements. "And in this present moment, my fund is outperforming the S&P 500 by 12 percentage points year-to-date. Breathe in that beautiful reality. Namaste."